tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central August 15, 2013 11:00pm-11:31pm PDT
maloi looses verginity and ethyl gets shot. good night and welcome to brickel berry. [applause] from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> welcome to the daily show! my name is john oliver! i'm still here. jon stewart has been spending his summer in the middle east directing a movie that he wrote. that image is not photo shop that is a real picture. i suppose it's only fair that i level with all of you. i have been lying about where jon stewart's been all summer. in fact, i've lied to you exactly 31 times it seemed appropriate to confess tonight because this is my
last show at interim host. stop hiding your joy. jon stewart will be back in september. we're all looking forward to seeing him so much. before we go into our top story tonight we just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the horrifying events unfolding right now in egypt. our deepest thoughts are with everyone over there for more on that developing story, you should probably watch the real news. that's kind of what they're built for. in the meantime we're going to push ahead with our final silly show of the summer, our guest tonight writer and of the silly show simon peg will be with us. frankly, simon has a lot to live up to tonight guest wisement i don't know if he saw last night's show but regis phil pynn ended the interview in a slightly unexpected manner. ♪ looks like we made it ♪ he kissed me on the head. and you know what, i woke up
this morning and hi a gray patch of hair in the exact shape of regis's lips. and i realized he just sapd my youth. that's how he still looks so incredible. he sucks years from the heads of men through his lips. he took ten years from my life. and i can tell you something t was totally worth it! everything felt better in that moment. this has been such a fun summer so many memories. traditionally this can be a slow time for news but this particular summer has been just one story after another. we had the voting rights act. gay marriage. paula deen. we did immigration. there was a royal baby with jason jones punching a horse in the face. we had a mid show blackout forcing me to interview eric in the dark. then there was, of course, that night the dark punk played live in our studio instead of going on colbert. that was fun. then of course there was that amazing moment where helen mirin was a guest and
she decided to slip and slide over to the desk. if you missed that i'm truly sorry. some stories have also developed since we covered them. and i just wanted to quickly update you on them. tiddy everything up before jon gets back here. first you might remember accused sexual harasser and assaulter bob fillner best known for his work as the san diego mayor, as well ass had his role opposite michael keaton in 1989's batman. now that might seen like a cruel joke about someone's appearance. in my defense, [bleep] this guy. (applause) >> that's my defense. over a dozen female employees have accused fillner of unwanted sexual advancement but now it seems his missives may not have stopped there. >> investigators are looking into the possibility of improve charges on his city credit card. >> working into a junket philner took a-- that appears to have little to do to san diego and cost
taxpayers $30,000. $3,000 to an on-line reputation management firm. and oddly, 128 dollars for a juicer. >> wait, wait, wait. the jooutser-- juicer is the thing you find odd there? not the $3,000 on reputation management? because that is something the city clearly does deserve a refun on. there is also one other recent revelation about bob fillner that i hesitate to even show you. >> there are new allegations that mayor fillner sexually harassed military rape victims. >> that may be the single worst sentence i have heard all summer. even a kiss on the head from regis phil pin cannot erase the pain of hearing that. if i pay, i would like to do a quick impression of bob fillner's reputation manager after hearing that sentence. um, okay, [bleep] this. you can have your $3,000 back. life's too short you piece
of [bleep]. (cheers and applause) let's get as far away from that story as we possibly can. let's go to russia. also known as the country to which edward snowden is now having his mail forwarded. now as you'll recall while the supreme court here was overturning the defense of marriage act in russia, they passed a brand-new anti-gay propaganda law and despite criticism, they are defending their decision. >> russian president vladimir putin publicly defended the law earlier this summer. this is not about imposing any kind of sanctions against homosexuality, he said this is about protecting children. >> is it though? is it? are you sure this isn't some homophobic legislation passed just to prevent the you werean police were being made fun of because when you look at their uniforms in the mirror they say homo. you sure that's not it? you sure that's not it? that is a little tricky when they are pulling you over.
olga, how fast were you going. the gay police are gaining on us. reassuringly, there's actually been huge international reaction against this law. and it is taking all sorts of forms. >> protests in england, scotland, belgium, canada, the u.s. for owners of gay bars dumped jurban vodka. >> pouring vodka into the gutters. a powerful stand against homophobia and for drunk sewer alligators. i love you. you're my best friend. the problem is, that this law is just a part of a much larger shift towards percent cution of gay people in russia. >> another tv anchor in russia coming under fire for things he said about gay people during a broadcast last year. >> we need to ban them from donating blood and sperm. and if they die in car accidents, we need to bury their hearts in the ground or burn them as they are unsuitable for the aiding of
anyone's life. >> what? bury their hearts in the ground-- i-- i think he may be confusing gay people with vampires. never invite a gay into your home or will visit you at night in the form of a bat or a fine mist. but here's the thing. in russia, that's actually considered accurate scientific data. >> dmitri-- insists after all that he is not homeo phobic. he says he was simply supporting medical rules deny-- designed to prevent hiv positive men from donating blood or organs. >> oh, please that is ridiculous. what kind of country would ban gay men from donating blood based on some kind of pathetic, archaic aids paranoia. >> right now in the united states gay men cannot donate blood. >> okay, you know what i won't miss about hosting this show, having perfectly edited sound bites routinely contradict the thing i just said. and finally-- (applause)
>> finally, i just want to personally say a big thank you tonight because there are some people who have gone above and beyond to make my job so much easier this summer than it could have been. and one in particular. i'm talking, of course b anthony weiner. or-- or should i say carlos danger. >> danger. >> the real-- now this week he joins the other democratic candidates for mayor in a televised debate using his time to say this. >> my name is anthony weiner and i want to be your mayor. >> now a couple of things struck me about that, first, does anthony weiner really thinks he needs to tell people his name any more? because while there are many obstacles to his getting elected, name recognition is definitely not one of them. and second, does he want to be mayor? because the way he is been campaigning recently it kind
of seems like he might not. case in point, earlier this week he gave an interview to the web site buzz feed. >> i think you can do this. >> i think is something-- you can do this or show videos of cats, whatever you do at buzz feed but -- >> what's he doing? it is like he's trying to make people hate him now. i can't tell if he wants to be mayor or a heel in the wwf. shocking new york, your town smells like piss. chicago's got better-- than the red sox. weiner 2013! there are so many things on this about this summer. but on this you most of all-- miss you most of all carlos danger. we'll be right back.
>> welcome back. this summer has been so much fun. coy not have done it without the other correspondents. they have been incredibly supportive the whole time. let's go out to them now one last time. starting with salmon that bee in detroit, sam, any updates? i know things are pretty grim over there. >> oh, john t is worse than you could possibly imagine. >> right. >> a once proud american institution brought to its knees by gross mismanagement and incompetent leadership. you know, you wonder if it will ever again be the icon
it was once. >> but sam, on the other hand, detroit is resilient, will will bounce back, shortly opinions detroit, no, i'm talking about the daily show. >> come on. >> it took decades to bring detroit to its knees but you destroyed the daily show in like three months. >> whoa, whoa, whoa. go a little easy. >> you're faster than ebola. what? >> i would say that i'm speaking truth to power but you have to power and whatever power you thought you had ends in about six minutes which is less time than it takes to make a hot pocket, but enough time i'm sure for you to [bleep] the show even further until it begs to be put out of its missery. >> thank you, samantha. let's go to jessica williams, jess, where exactly are you. >> i'm in front of paula deen's house, john. >> that is encouraging. any dovments on that story? >> oh, no, i'm actually just here looking for a job. >> what? >> because let me be clear, i would much rather work for an old lady who admitted to throwing the "n" word around than spend six more minutes
working for you. >> wow, that seems a little extreme, jess. >> oh my gosh, does it, john. >> a little. >> well, then, let me just say one more thing. >> sure go ahead. >> [bleep] you! >> okay, okay, okay, there is not exactly how i envisaged my final show going, to be honest am but apparently we actually have another reporter who is live at the moscow airport, maybe snowden is on the move. who's there, what? -- >> john (cheers and applause) >> wyatt, how have you been doing since you left the show? >> i've been great. i feel like a guy who had a particular for the titanic but got on board and said you know what, this doesn't feel right, i'm going to take a plane. >> that doesn't work. that doesn't work, that analogy, there weren't planes in 1912. >> i don't give a [bleep] about that, john, it's why i left. the point is i avoided crashing into the iceberg that would have left me floating in this [bleep]
show. but now food tastes better, the sun is brighter. i just wish coy have saved the others, that's what really -- >> what, wyatt, that's why you're filing this report to tell me that i ruined this show. >> john, i'm here because i'm your friend. >> oh, thank you, thank you. >> you know when a skateboarder tries to do a trick over a wall and he can't handle it. >> yeah. >> he lands on his balls. and he's just lying there with his balls hurting. >> yeah, i get t i get. >> i'm the friend who comes over to see if he's okay and i also make sure i get the whole thing on video. >> okay, well-- that's very generous of you wyatt, i appreciate it i have got to go to jason jones now, he is live in london, oh, he's not, he's not, maybe he just can't even be bothered to be there in the first place. whoa. >> enough of that [bleep]. >> (cheers and applause) >> no way, no way! no way! i can't believe it. that's great okay.
what are you doing? >>. >> all right, enough, enough of what is going on here. leave john oliver a lochblt he's doing a heck of a job, i'm proud of you. >> rob, thank you so much. you have been watching the show this summer? >> no. >> not really my thing. i'm more of a wipeout kind of guy. now that's a show. >> wipeout, you mean the show where people rub across inflatable -- >> spoiler alert. come on! i didn't get to watch last week's episode. it's on my tivo though. >> okay, sorry. so why are you in london, exactly? >> well, basically, just to gauge the mood on the street. to see what the people in your homeland think. i've got to be honest, they hate you. >> i'm hearing a lot of things like this, like he's an embarrassment, he is and toss another shrimp on the barby. >> that is australian for a start. >> i think i know my european countries, john. >> that's not even yours. >> 9 point is this, this country is in a tailspin.
>> no, it's not. >> tailspin of shame. >> si have talked to several people on the streets and here is what they are calling you and i wrote it down so bear with me. >> okay. >> the union jack-- ass. >> buckingham fall -- >> they didn't a that. >> the [bleep] that ruined the daily show. >> whoa, you cannot say that word. >> apparently here you can. people say it to me like six, seven times a day. but if you ask me you've been doing an incredible job as a host. >> that means absolutely nothing coming from you. you just told me you haven't watched it all summer. >> gee, learn to take a compliment, john, keep up its good work. i'm proud of you. >> this is my last show hosting. >> ooh, that suction. hey, if you are looking for work you should get on wipeout. now that's a show. plus everyone would love to see you get smashed in your stupid british face. >> no, they wouldn't. >> oh, look at me -- >> rob, thank you. d8p8$
which he also wrote is called the world's end. >> you have got any plan force dinner at all. >> tonight we will be partaking of a liquid as we woind our way up the golden mile commencing with an inagral-- in the first post and then on to the ultra, the famous, the good companions, trusty servant, two headed dog, mermaid, beehive, king's head and a hole in the wall all before the last bittersweet pint in that most-- the world's end. though we may return with a twink nell our eyes -- >> cheers. please welcome the fantastic simon peg (cheers and applause) simon. >> hello, john. >> thank you. >> cheers.
>> cheers. >> right proud we are of you back home, sir. right proud. >> thanks. like the first world war generals. >> well done, well done, sir. kick up the home front, quite well, well done. >> thank you. >> thank you sop for being here. fantastic. >> it's an honor, great to be on. >> this movie is fantastic this is the third part of your-- triology. >> it somebody's, which will you know, do people know what it is. >> coreneto. >> it is an ice cream snack which we used as a joke in shawn of the dead and it became like -- >> thank you. >> yeah, then it became the linking factor between all the three films. >> it has been great. the it has become like your alfred hitchcock it will appear somewhere in every-- i guess the real scoop will be you can get the corneto in a movie you have not written and proud. >> that would be good. >> you can in star trek, say, look. captain, wait -- >> i could beam one into a show. >> i got a nice corneto right here.
>> this is so kind of awe threatically british as well. they actually made me quite home sick because-- and it is odd being home sick when people are fighting, robot aliens. >> yes, of course. >> you remember what it was like, all the robots and aliens back home. >> and it would explain some things. >> that's why you moved here, right. >> that is where-- so this is, you do these movies with your friends that is probably one of the most fun things about it. >> well, yeah, nick who i worked with, who was ed in shawn of the dead, we have been pauls for like 20 years. we were friends before we started working together. in fact, i basically asked nick to be in a sitcom that we had called space. >> yeah. >> thank you. it's fantastic. >> fantastic. i think you can see on netflix now if you have not seen testimony i said please come and be in this show so i can hang out with you more. and he was awaiter at the time. he was the best waiter in the-- and he was going all right. and. >> that was the beginning of his career as a very
successful actor. >> there is no better way, though. there is no better way than saying i want to cast you so i can spend more time with you. >> how about-- whatever, okay, someone else can serve my tables for the weekend. >> yeah, one of my favorite stories about you after shawn of the dead as well was that some journalists said you're probably too big for britain. you're going to hollywood. and six months later, are you in mr. -- >> what a hypocrite. >> he's not a hip crat crit, he's fantastic. >> i kind of picked this blockbuster out of the air like i'm to the going be on mission impossible three, like it didn't even exist. and then jj called me, hey, do you want to be in mission impossible three. and i was like yeah. >> of course, of course, i love it, your embodiment of what the biggest possible on the table movie, helen mirin came on as a guest over the summer and she was saying oh, it's so weird when you meet movie stars like brad pitt, they just seem other worldy. you do understand --
>> you have won an oscar. >> i went to this, the paramount had their big 100th anniversary photograph a couple of years ago and we were issueding into darkness at the time and we went along to be in this group. it was just like everybody was there and it was like night at the museum, like being at wax works and everybody had come to life and i was going up, did was incredible, you know, i felt like i shouldn't be there. >> if you get a chance to be around martin scorsese. >> you should probably. >> so at least your figure core have felt scorsese's genius. >> behind me was robert de niro, i didn't even know until i saw the picture back. >> you are kidding me. >> i was like dammit, he was behind me. i was too busy talking to score say see. i should have focused. >> it's brilliant so, funny reasons glad you liked it. >> presumably you will do more together. >> i hope so, yeah, yeah, i hope so it just won't be-- we set this criteria for ourselves, they are all
set in the u.k., kind of like growing up friendship and they all feature this ice cream. the next thing we do together might not have, it might be nickel said we should have done the three flavors astin-martins because we have been given free ice cream some of that we need to kind of get a new freeie opinions. >> the world's end in theatres august 23rd, it's fantastic. the great simon peg,ed